#ok ko paranoia
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Professor venomous: Guys, please tell me you have a plan for this!
Darrell: if by plan, you mean funeral plan, then sure! I have a plan!
Raymond & Shannon: ⌠weâre gonna die.
#ok ko boxman#my ocs#okkoshadowlyvenomous#ok ko professor venomous#ok ko let's be heroes#ok ko mr gar#ok ko carol#ok ko shadowy venomous#ok ko dendy#ok ko fink#ok ko raymond#ok ko rad#raymondtwins#ok ko enid#ok ko paranoia#ok ko spw#ok ko shadowly venomous#ok ko shannon#ok ko turbo raymond#ok ko#ok ko turbo mikey#ok ko tko#ok ko dr midnight#ok ko darrell#au stuff#my au
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Analysis part 2! (This is a long one)
Glad to hear i was correct on somethings, now on to the actual scary days
'Cahaya was fighting his mind and delusional'
Now these two sentences could be unrelated but for now lets assume that they are. By doing so we can figure out that Cahaya could be fighting in LITERAL and figuratively as in seeing things or hearing voices, but that would be threading into derealization while from what i'm observing Cahaya seems to be more showing signs of depersonalization (tbh it could be both but i'm leaning more towards DP instead of DR)
Anyway.. those delusions could cause him to have paranoia
Now light paranoia or caution is not a bad thing, but remember these are DAYS meaning Cahaya has been doing it repeatedly to the point it causes the others..
'They doubted him'
Being warned constantly or more specifically a repetitive action can cause a dull/numb reaction to it
Similar to how people who have a sensitive fire alarm has a higher chance to actually get CAUGHT in a fire than those who have a more loose fire alarm (theres a whole research that i could talk about for hours on how the human brain slowly ignores warning signs)
But notice the word choice. 'Doubted'. They didn't reject it or ignore it or even told Cahaya they didn't believe him, they doubted him. Meaning there was at SOME point of belief in his words; his paranoia. Meaning the others know of his delusions and that caused them to start doubting him. But it also means the others are willing to listen to him, albeit they don't believe it but at least they're not ignoring it.
But maybe at some point his delusion got a bit too much, maybe he started to fight with himself violently (not to the point that could warrant self harm but close), and the others.. got a bit wary of him
Which resulted in HIM doubting himself with 'Cahaya wasn't like retak'ka was he?'
The previous connections was between solar and retak'ka NOW tho cahaya is seeing himself.
He couldn't defend himself by using 'solar' as a shield anymore because he isn't solar currenlty, he is cahaya.
And if solar was the middle ground while cahaya being one of the more 'good' sides.. what happens if cahaya himself is like retak'ka?
And when came in doubt, when the shield he could wrap himself with is crumbling. The negative thoughts could thrive
'Cahaya was hearing the voice, it was loud'
Genuinely i do not know who cahaya is hearing when i first read this. Is it retak'ka? His negative thoughts? His brothers and friends?
But i like to think cahaya in this sentence was experiencing dissociation. Because the wording shows us that Cahaya had gotten used to it. The lack of emotions you can kinda feel in this sentence kinda solidifies he is most likely depressed (this child is not ok)
But then came something that surprised me
'Solar hated this'
WHY was solar the one to say/think this, it felt random and out of place. The previous placements made sense but this one was just... odd
And then i realized that solar didn't like cahaya; more specifically what cahaya is going through.
Solar is what cahaya wants to become. Its his middle ground, his shield, his safe space. Its the part of him that can go on missions (code name and all that jazz). In other words, Solar is cahaya's strength
Where cahaya is weak SOLAR is strong, hes the finisher, the one hit KO, the final boss of you will. I think cahaya believes that Solar hated what hes going through
The paranoia
The fear
The doubt
The delusions
The anger
The mix emotions
When in actuality cahaya probably hates that part of himself, the part with so many issues; issues that he KNOWS he has. But he doesn't like the thought of hating himself
So he uses Solar as an excuse to feel that hatred towards himself
Solar hated this
Solar doesn't doubt himself, hes a genius, he gets to go on missions
Hes using solar to feel validated on his self loathing and as a comfort
But he became reliant to that..
'Cahaya was giving up.. and gone?'
If he liked who Solar was so much why would he want to be Cahaya? He saw himself as solar to the point CAHAYA became the second image
Its not cahaya looking in a mirror and seeing solar anymore, but its the other way around.
Cahaya was weak. Solar isn't
Cahaya gets left behind. Solar doesn't
Cahaya is paranoid. Solar is confident (to the point of becoming too confident)
But despite everything. Despite how much he tries, he can't ignore the issues that he has
That he will ALWAYS have, its why cahaya isn't completely gone (the question mark '?' Is a sign of that)
And in the end
'Cahaya was like retak'ka in someways'
Its cahaya who leaned more.. who was more like retak'ka than solar was. How poetic that the 2 sides were in fact the exact same side. Because both are dead
Not completely tho..
'Solar was woken up hearing a voice, it was loud. It was himself'
It started with cahaya woken up by a voice and it ends with SOLAR waking up in his place. Very poetic anon claps for you! đđ
And we're finally given an answer on who the voice was. It was himself, well cahaya to be more specific
I kinda figured that it was cahaya waking up from a nightmare but again. Its CAHAYA.
i feel like cahaya subconsciously already disconnected himself with the voice (the voice represents his issues and trauma)
But after he became solar he has someone to pin point; to blame, for the voices.
Cahaya was the one who nearly died, he is the one with the issues, the problems, the trauma.
Solar is a representation of him IGNORING those issues, shoving it aside
But
.
.
Despite how much you try you cannot ignore the problems that you have, its why the voice is still there. Its why cahaya is still there, no matter how hard Solar tries. He will always have those issues
He will always be cahaya
Thank you for anyone who read all of this, and again anon i would just like to applaud you for this writing ^^
ANOOON WAKE UP ANOTHER ANALYSATION OF YOUR ASK ARRIVEDđđ
And damn, Cahaya is definitely the oc-ified cuz wow, hes literally an all rounded character but its not canon
This is amazing, more cahaya angst and explanations im getting inspired *rubs hands evillyđ*
So much character inspiration love this
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50 mbps Therapy Sesh
This Saturday starts so early in the morning with a fresh start and the final breath.
4 AM. Got a message from my soul sis and she arrived at her MIL's bedside. I told her to get some more sleep, hydrate and eat sodium and potassium-rich food. She was tasked to tawid her MIL who's brain dead while being the negotiator of Tito Ro's family. Mhie, naubos ang good vibes ko e. LOL. Been getting updates from soul sis since last week and 'di madali ang mga ganaps sa first world country. Imagine, may "deadline" na two weeks to take out all life support devices and shitballs ang healthcare. Gigil na gigil ako e lalo she and Tito Ro are paying taxes na 'di makatarungan.
In between nasty memes and kamustahan about my ganaps work and non-work, soul sis told me that ako ang therapist nila ni Tito Ro. LOL. Sabi ko: Kawawa naman kayo kung ganun. Tito Ro as a legit magaling magpanggap na walang pake pero malala ang anxiety and paranoia, he's been on his toes, talking nonstop. Pati 'yung paganaps kong malala, kinakamusta. Worried pa rin si Tito Ro for me. LUH. Hahahaha. Sabi ko naman, I got this and thank you. Tigilan niya ako ng coping mechanisms niyang fail na fail. Hahahahaha. Harapin niya ang nanay niya one last time ng tama para happy ako, at siya rin.
'Yung dasal ko para kina soul sis, Tito Ro and the whole family, sobrang tinde. Hahaha. Habang nagaayos ako ng mga ganaps dito sa MNL this season and toward the YE, I can't help but stop and just silently say: Pray and slay... ora et labora is like that naman pero hindi out of touch. Mellow touch pa. CHZ. Baliw-baliw mode talaga kaya napainom tuloy tayo ng pakak. Moms. Mom issues. 'Di talaga mauubos? Hahahaha. Alam ko naman, part of aging 'yan and the raw and real adulting, so sige. Tatawid tayo ng ayon sa nararapat at sa Ped Xing ng tama ang signal ng stoplight. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. TACCA. TACCA 10000.
Before penning this, I actually cried again. Hindi ko na kasi mapigilan e. Siguro naman, sapat na 'yung avoidance sa feelings na mga lampas 2 weeks na. You know why ako cry-cry pero onti lang din naman? 'Di ito easy kaya 'di ko easyhan. Trigger warning. Alert.
Tito Ro and her mom do not have an OK relationship, however, I firmly believe that it's her mom's pray and slay that brought soul sis to his life. OPAK. GIBA. How so?
Her mom actually went to PH because of an answered prayer, much like a covenant when she was diagnosed with the Big C. Turned out that she was but misdiagnosed. She then went to PH as a sort of pilgrimage. Pero si Tito Ro, slayyyyyyer sa Boracay as a first time visitor sa kanyang motherland. Hahahahahaha. And so, everything that happene in Boracay is now in Cali and beyond. And today, I am reminded that a mother's love and her prayers and syempre, lahat ng shit niya like bunganga, abuse, saltik, baliw vibes, atbp. are nothing compared to her legit love. Hassle lang talaga 'yung BTS pero moms always mean well kahit na ansakit nila manakit because they DGAF kahit saan, kahit kailan, kahit kanino, kahit paano.
Eto 'yung time na kung may bottomless funds ako, lilipad talaga ako agad pa-US. CHZ. E wala nga akong visa at syempre, walang funds na pakak, kaya heto ako ngayon, basang-basa sa ulan. CHZ. But, kaartehan ko lang 'yan.
You know what this chapter is teaching me? While money can buy you convenience, it can never ever buy you solid connections and interactions. Never ever. Since, I've been trying to appreciate digital again the past 4 years and counting, andito ako sa point na, how real and raw can digital really get? ETO O. TACCA. WALANG SALAG.
In grad school kasi, theories about debunking digital zoom in and zoom out. Instead of learning about the rules, aba, derecho break the rules to constrict the constructs of digital na here and now. :D HUY. Easy. Hahahaha. FUCK OFF. I've been trying to advocate kasi na digital ought to be married with the top tier school of thought ganaps. Hindi sila dapat dissociated kasi walang point at all. Instead of mixing positivists and interpretivists, aba, kailangan is isa lang. WHY? WHY THE FUCK? E 'yun nga ang ganda ng postmodern e. Hahahahaha. Tapos may kritikal na bato pang that's too postmodern. TACCA. Kahit latagan mo na ng framework na may sense, baklas pa rin kasi, hindi siya ang fit sa status quo. Hindi pang-award winning shitballs. Silos. Fucking silos. This may also be the reason why I don't want to push it na, kasi pointless e. Ambobo. Iba ang academic excellence sa feeling academic excellence lalo if running on Windows 95 as confirmed by the lumot levels IT department. HAHAHAHAHA.
Thankful for the cry na munti this morning. I still feel the burn kahit so many miles away kami nina soul sis and Tito Ro + Toto. Communication kahit digital or analog is both synchronous and asynchronous. Emojis or the lack of thereof are non-verbal cues. Length of replies, lack of reply, tone and voice are also non-verbal cues. LOL. Huy. Hahahahahahaha.
Mag-side hustle na rin talaga ako ng online dating optimization with family negotiations online and I'm sure maraming market ito lalo single women and men looking for their endgame. :D HAHAHAHAHA.
I know that today will be just like the rest of the days as the sun will set and the moon will rise. But, unlike the other days, this day is the last day that Tito Ro's mom will breathe. I have not met her, but she is in me. As I am with her bilang ako ang enabler and apologist ni soul sis and Tito Ro mega-let's give this a try paganaps years back, too.
Hello, Sabado. Tinodo mo na ako agad. TACCCA. Let's go dahil andaming tambak na labada, literally and figuratively. Sabak mamaya, bukas and syempre, Monday onwards. Sana kayanin ng braincells ko pati, cerebrum, cerebellum, medula oblongata and of course, hypothalamus and lahat na. :p Corny ko na naman ihhh.
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yaâll better be taking care of yourselvesÂ
#ok ko#professor venomous#my art#am i transmitting my paranoia & obsession with cleaning and disinfecting on PV???#YES#definitely#i use him to cope w/ all the stress#dude everything sucks rn
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Yandere Wesker- Endings
Note: ok lovelies, it appears this is the end of the Yadere Wesker series. I asked you to choose what type of ending you would prefer. Most of you wanted the "bad" ending, where the reader stays with Wesker, but there were a few who wanted the "good" ending as well, where the reader is free. Sooo, I decided to give you both endings :)).Â
If you have no idea about what Iâm talking here, check these links for part 1 and part 2.Â
Warnings: heavy angst, brainwashing. Dark content bellow! Read at your own risk.
Pairing: Albert Wesker x Reader
Ko-fi: if you want to commission or simply support me, visit my ko-fi page.Â
"I canât let you go." He said as he injected the serum intoâŚ
Your arm. He wants you next to him. He canât let you go yet, and heâll have to figure out how to overcome his grief. For now, he hugs you tight and tries to thing of what to do next.Â
âWhy would you want to leave after all? You should feel safe and protected near me. I'm giving you enough freedom. â He said this as he tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing.Â
In the following days, he keeps working on his own false reality, that you are happy even if youâre drugged, and that youâll just have to simply accept this lifestyle.Â
He tries to do the things you two used to enjoy, but itâs not the same. After a few attempts, he realised that the reason you two canât is because you are not the same. Instead, he learns to accept that this is who you are now, and heâll figure out some new things.Â
As for the serum, heâll assign someone else to do it for a while. He canât be near you when you receive your dose, as heâll feel that crushing guilt again.
Wesker's heart will be crushed again once he realises that there is no way to grow his family. Heâll push himself away from you for a while because he canât stand your presence, not because you annoy him, but because he feels useless.Â
Months of solitude made him believe that he didnât need a perfect little family, because your presence is enough. As a result, after he comes out, he hugs you tight, promising you that heâll be close to you forever. You feel trapped like never before, but you never fully acknowledge it. Instead, you began to cry again, not knowing why you felt so much pressure on your chest.Â
âHappy tears, dear? Oh, Iâm flattered. Iâm sorry for being away from you for so long. I promise it wonât happen again. In fact, I have a surprise for you! â He pulled away just so he could take a little collar from his pocket. It's a black one, with his initials on it.Â
âItâs for you.â He said as he put the collar around your neck. It fits perfectly! Donât worry, the material wonât hurt your skin. â You began to cry louder and you felt the leather pressed around your neck. âOh dear, donât cry. I didnât know how much you liked it.âÂ
Wesker was delusional at this point. He convinced himself that you are happy and that there is no reason to feel guilty. He provides you with everything you need. Why would you need to be off-serum anyway? This way, you will appreciate more what he does for you.Â
More months passed by, and he got used to your blank stare. However, all these suppressed emotions lead him to become paranoid that someone will screw up your treatment, forget to give you the serum, or that youâll simply snap back to reality all of a sudden. To get rid of this paranoia, he chose to lock you up in a very secure studio, which heâll supervise all the time while he is away. Heâll choose some trustworthy people to take care of you since youâre barely able to eat by yourself. Heâll come up with a lie so it wonât raise suspicion about your state to your new caretakers. Youâll sleep there, eat there, and raise your future children there.Â
Eventually, the serum will affect your brain functions. Letâs say that the serum wonât be needed for too long to keep you a vegetable.Â
You are no longer yourself, and any hope to restore you is lost. Your mind and spirit are dead, and now you are waiting for your body to follow.Â
One thing is for sure. No matter how damaged your brain is, Wesker will never let you go.
His own arm. He knew that if he were sober, he would chase and catch you no matter how much he prepared for the moment. He sits on the bed and waits for the serum to make him dizzy. He looks up at you and sees the same blank stare.Â
âIt shouldnât take long,â he says, knowing that youâll regain your consciousness shortly.Â
He lays down as he feels the drug kicking in. The room is spinning and he feels more sleepy with every second. Thatâs because he injected a much more concentrated dose to knock him out fast and long enough so you could escape.Â
You move your eyes from him and look around instead. Everything seems so familiar all of a sudden. You stare back at Wesker and have a feeling you havenât seen him in ages.âWhat happened?â You ask yourself.Â
Curiosity got the best of you and you began to wonder around, leaving Wesker behind. You recognise this room as being your bedroom, then you see yourself in the mirror yelping. You changed drastically. You lost weight, you didnât have the same hairstyle, the same clothes.Â
You looked back at Wesker in shock and you wanted to snuggle in his arms to comfort you, but you were stopped by an intense sentiment of fear. The man that took care of you made you scared, and you didnât know why. Then it all came together when you started to get flashbacks.
With steady steps, you approach the man again. He looked up at you. Through his half-lidded eyes, you could see the grief and sorrow. The moment he saw some clarity in your eyes, he knew that this was the end.
âYouâre freeâŚâ he said before the drug took over his mind and body. He was sleeping so peacefully. Something in the back of your mind told you that he wasnât a threat any longer and that you should leave instead of cuddling next to him. You listened to that voice.Â
As you ran to your freedom, you saw various people. Some of them had a concerned expression on their faces, and some were relieved. However, nobody did anything.Â
You didnât need any help, though. As your mind began to be more and more clear, you remembered the building and its exits. You made your way to the nearest one and finally got out. You inhaled the fresh air and let the sun warm your skin. You realised just then how cold it was inside. With a foggy mind, you continued to walk instead of run, as you saw that nobody was coming after you. You walked until you found a jeep. Inside you found the keys, money, and, among some papers, a passport. It turned out to be yours as it had your name on it, but you looked nothing like the person in the picture.Â
Your foggy mind didnât notice the woman in a white coat that was walking away from the vehicle. She came before you and prepared the car. She didnât care if Wesker killed her either, as long as you'd be free.
Some flashbacks hit you again, this time a lot more clearly. As a result, you turned on the engine and drove to your freedom.Â
Even if you were free, you couldnât stop crying. You were back to your old self; you were still dizzy, but it was you. All those years were taken away from you. Your family and friends must believe you've died. You canât get back that time he stole, but you can do your best to move on. Battling these memories, you drove alone in the night enjoying the sweet taste of freedom.
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I see you have a liking towards THICC!! With that in mind, I need to have a Twice and/or Hawks with a Chubby GN! Reader using Fluff 12 and 19. ( ̄â ̄)
Fluffy Cuddles
Twice x Gn! Chubby! Reader
đđCounting Memories Eventđđ: Now Closed!
đđCounting Memories Event Masterlistđđ
W: Some Sexual Innuendoes, Consensual Groping, Fluff
Fluff:
12)âThis isnât a dream? Fuck yes!â
19)â5 more minutes, please. You feel great.â
If you'd like to support my work (Check my Ko-fi and Throne!)
Twice found it difficult to keep his hands to himself in general. He knew that it was wrong to touch people without them agreeing to it but the other versions of him didnât follow the same social rules. They did as they please, grabbed and tore whatever they wanted without caring if it was important or not. He wished that he was more in control at times, it would save him the hassle, but if he was in control then he would lose the chance to have fun with you. He already teased you about your weight, nothing truly mean, just comment about how squishy you looked and how much he wanted to touch you. He made it his mission to feel you pressed up against him whenever he could and it soon became a problem for you.
âOuch! What the fuck is wrong with you?! That was so mean.â He rubbed his head and pouted up at you. You hit his head after he groped your ass and moaned about how good it felt. It was such an invasion of personal space and most importantly, a huge violation of your person. You couldnât say that you were used to this treatment but the reality was that you were kinda flattered that he liked your body so much. It wasnât the first time that he had done this too. He had laid on top of you after a mission, his face pressed right onto your chest. He even fell asleep on top of you that day and you didnât even bother to wake him up. His weight was comforting and so were his spontaneous personality changes. Some of them were rude to you, they would make comments about your appearance that truly stung, but others were sweet and loving.
âJin! You cant grab me like that! You especially cant grab me like that in front of the others!â Twice stopped rubbing his head and jumped up from the ground, his gaze focused on you.
âSo if we went to your room I could grope- hold- fondle- your ass?â
âN- Donât say it like that! And who said you could fondle my butt?â He eagerly grabbed your hand and pulled you towards your room.
Ever since the PLF was developed and Shigaraki took charge, everyone got their own rooms within the compound. Yourâs was next to Dabiâs and Twice lived a few doors down from you both. He asked Dabi if he could switch rooms with you but he was shut down before he could start begging. He liked you from the moment you joined the League, youâve been with them since the start. You took care of everyone since you were the teamâs doctors and all, but he liked how gentle your touch was when youâd heal his wounds and how you even helped him cut his hair when he couldnât do it himself.
He remembers it vividly too. He was having an issue that day with the other versions of himself. They all wanted different styles and they all wanted to get a turn to cut so it devolved into chaos. He was crying when you found him, his eyes wide and his teeth chattered against each other as he hid in the corner of the bathroom. You cooed at him, your voice was soft and sweet as you asked permission to take his hand into yours. You held him in your arms as he cried and he felt the stress and paranoia that plagued his mind fade as you continued to talk about something meaningless to him. But, just having you talk eased him and the other versions of him. You asked if you could cut his hair for him, to which he easily agreed. You kept him whole, he didn't feel like splitting or like he was going to split when your body was close to his.
âJin! Ok, wait.â You stop him on his tracks and pull at his hand, âYou can cuddle with me-â
âReally?!â You nod your head but open your mouth to continue.
âThis isn't a dream? Fuck yes!â He interrupts. Twice bounces up and down and runs into your room, his emotions getting the better of him.
You both quickly enter your room and lock the door before Twice began to rip off his costume besides his face mask. You felt your face grow warm, the sight of your almost naked colleague set your face a blazed. It wasn't the first time semi-nude, hell, you had actually seen him naked on more than one occasion because he enjoyed sleeping in the nude. There were times when youâd wake up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water from the old hideoutâs kitchen you'd find yourself faced with Twice exposed ass. The thought brought even more heat onto your face as you watched him do a little dance and pulled you towards the bed. You were thrown onto your bed and Twice laid next to you eagerly waiting for permission to touch you. You gave him a little nod and watched him still for a moment before he completely enveloped your body with his own. He buried his face into your chest, his hand finding their home on your stomach. He squeezed you tightly, almost like he was afraid that you would disappear. You giggle to yourself gently began to pat his back. It lulled him to sleep and you soon followed him as the rhythm of his heart comforted you.
You woke up with Twice still on you, though, his face mask was taken off at some point. You admired his features, the long and prominent scar running over his forehead reminded you of how much he had suffered. His actions were his own yet he didnât have control over how the other versions of himself acted. You felt bad for him but that would help him. You watched him, his chest rise and fall as he clung onto your form. He whimpered in his sleep and you just pushed his hair back as a sign of silent comfort. You made yourself comfortable in the bed and scrubbed his back, allowing him to snuggle into your body. You laid awake all through the rest of the night waiting for the sun to rise and pour through the bottoms of your blinds. Your alarm also began to play as you continued to rub Twiceâs back.
âJinâŚ.Jin, wake up.â Your voice was as soft as you could possibly manage. There was pure kindness coming off of it.
â5 more minutes, please. You feel great.â He mumbled into your chest. He rubbed his face on you and held you tighter than before.
You coo at him and try to readjust yourself to be more comfortable. The feel of his bare chest and the weight of his legs wrapping around your waist was a welcomed weight.
#twice x reader#twice x you#twice x gn! reader#twice#jin bubaigawara#jin x reader#mha#bnha#my hero academia#ask#DD answers
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*shifty eyes*
#Don't Forget: They Are Watching#........... x'3c that sounds ominous as heck and wELL---!!!!#*glances around in paranoia* they could be anywhere. lurking. at any moment. NO ONE IS SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#((talking abt crew members actually seeing the stuff we're putting on this website x'3333))#shut up McKinley#OK KO
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Actually, before going to the play by play i wanna post the following:
*squints eyes* I still havent seen T.K.O. but i know of its existence and saw a tv cam promo of it... i have many worries/questions...
#ok ko#ok ko let's be heroes#ok ko lets be heroes#okkoliveblogging#okko18#liveblogging#worangetraveler-multiverseguide#also paranoia because why not#...#similar hair?#im sorry but.... yeah... dunno...
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(One night stand)
(Chapter 2)
(â
)
Michelle takes half an hour to take in the comfort smell of her nest, nose pressed on Xanxusâs side before she huffs and nods to herself. Right, sheâs doing this. A baby. Thereâs a lot that needs doing but first, before everything else, she needs information. She has some studying to do. That said, to study, she needs to feel prepared to face all these new changes. What she needs, she decides, is a list. And to, for a lack of a better word, to bolster herself up to face this new situation.Â
With that in mind, she stands. Michelle puts on sweatpants, mostly because as much as these new guys are Xanxusâs pack, she doesnât know them enough to walk around them half-dressed. She throws her pyjama shirt on the bin and fishes out from the closet the shirt Xanxus had tried out before he decided that heâd rather wear another one. Thereâs that. His smell is grounding even if thereâs nothing that screams competent about the look.
Whatever. She fixes up her bun into something still messy but presentable and pulls out the makeup. Itâs always helped somehow, putting on some eyeshadow and drawing wings with her eyeliner. She chooses a dark brown lipstick to finish it up and nods to herself. Perhaps itâs a little selfish but she doesnât want any of them in her room, their smells would get in and she wants the room to only smell of Xanxus and her. So Michelle walks down the stairs and builds a temporary nest in her living room before fishing out an empty notebook, her jar full of pens and her tablet.Â
It takes her but a moment to write down the first few worries and the solutions that pop on her mind to them. Sheâll investigate more if she needs to but for now, thatâs it for that. Living space is going to have to wait until Xanxus and her talk because itâs evident now that sheâs going to have to move. Her apartment only has one bedroom which should be fine with her baby for the first year at least so sheâs in no hurry. Sheâd rather wait, actually. It takes time to settle up a nest properly and moving is stress she does not need for, at the moment.Â
Her room is big enough that she could even set up a crib up there but then again, Xanxus does live and work at least an hour away and it seems a bit mean to set up their family so far away. Itâs just⌠sheâs reluctant to leave this gated community, even if she moves right away, sheâd rather pick one of the bigger apartments. The owner of the place is a sweet old man, she likes him. Heâs been good to her.Â
Sheâs taking notes of other womenâs experiences with early pregnancy and texting with Squalo when the doorbell rings. Itâs almost creepy how it coincides with Squaloâs message telling her that the guys he sent her way arrived. Feeling uncharacteristically shy, Michelle catches her reflection on a window and fixes her bun a little before opening the door with a smile, âhi! Uh, Lussuria and Fran, Iâm guessing?â
Lussuria rushes her, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her into an enthusiastic hug. âOh, youâre adorable!â He rubs their cheeks together, eager enough that Michelle freezes for a moment before she tips her head up and allows him to scent her gently. âHow are you feeling?â
âIâm ok,â she shrugs, âno nausea or sleepiness yet.â Michelle reaches for the green-haired, green-eyed, young man beside flamboyant Lussuria. âI just panicked a little in the beginning, we werenât planning it, you see?â She shrugs, going on her tiptoes to press her nose under the younger manâs jaw in greeting before gesturing them inside. âTo be honest, this probably could have waited but I didnât want him to find out through the grapevine or keep it from him.â
The easy acceptance she seems to have of them in her space surprises her a little but sheâs also aware that they smell like theyâre Xanxusâs and that probably has her instincts taking over, especially after being so unsettled not so long ago.Â
âBoss knows,â Fran admits, looking over the place. All her candles in the living room are lit up, flames flickering soothingly. âThe Ninth doesnât.â
âAnd weâre keeping it that way,â Lussuria mutters under his breath, teeth bared in a snarl for a second as he walks around the room. Whatever it is that heâs doing, Michelle doesnât know.
âAlright,â Michelle settles herself back into her nest, smiling briefly at Fran when the officer moves to stand next to it, between her and the door. The obvious paranoia is making her nervous. âIs that something we need to actively worry about?â
âItâs just better that way,â Lussuriaâs expression turns warm as he sits down on the couch in front of her nest, eyes looking up from her and to the TV for a moment before he looks back down to her. âBoss will take care of it but⌠the Ninth has a bad track record when it comes to the boss.â
A complicated family situation, Michelle decides. Xanxus will tell her more when he comes if itâs necessary. Thereâs no need to press now.Â
AO3 - Twitter - Ko-Fi
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Huh... Ok, maybe the alcohol was a bad idea. Maybe rewatching that Sami and Kevin clip was a bad idea. It's making me feel really... um... not ok things. Like sitting here trying valiantly not to throw Kevin Owens (the character) directly into the "Abusive assholes who do not deserve love" category.
Maybe it's because I just got out of an abusive relationship.
Maybe because I can see myself in Sami cowering in the corner while Kevin screams at him
Maybe because, as someone who has severe mental illness, I know full well what happens when you do THAT to someone crying for help. Maybe because, if wrestling was real, this would be the kind of thing to drive someone as mentally ill as Sami Zayn to self harm or worse. I think I'm gonna step away for awhile. I'm proud as fuck for Kevin Steen and Rami Sebei for getting their match at Wrestlemania, I really am. They have earned it and I know it's always been a dream of theirs. But this storyline is really hitting a bit too close to home for me. I legit suffer from paranoia IRL and if someone were to scream at me that way when I was having an episode? Yeah. Fuck you KO. You're an asshole and you don't deserve Sami.
#I think I'm going to Un-Ship Zowens for awhile#Unless something changes in the immediate future#This is just too close to home#I will forever support the friendship of them IRL#It's beautiful and should be treasured#I wish I had an IRL friend like Kevin Steen#But Kevin Owens is an abusive bastard#Fuck him#Shanie Out
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EDIT: I found your message in my box finally ah!! thanks so much for the kind words akhsafkjshfd Iâm so happy you liked itÂ
(I canât tag you not sure why, sorry!)
got a question on my ko-fi a while ago:
Ive read your fic Kalopsia and just wanted to say thank you for it. I was thinking, do you see Madaras happy life in Konoha?If Izuna was alive?Or if his so got pregnant?If Tobi died? Whatd make him at ease in Konoha?Also,do you see better ending for Itachi, if he wasnt ill?
First of all thank you ahh!!!!
To make it simple (because otherwise Iâll go on forever) Iâd say without Izunaâs death, Konoha wouldâve been a lot harder to achieve. Like, the reason Madara agreed on Konoha was because he lost Izuna, grieved hard, obtained a power meant to prevent further Uchiha death, and eventually saw the best way to do that was through peaceâSo if Izuna was alive, I donât think Konoha wouldâve never happened... but it mightâve taken a while longer, say if Madara realized the Senju-Uchiha war was going nowhere (because Izuna would never, based on how obdurate he was to avoid a truce) and gave in to Hashirama
But to actually answer the question, I think that a Konoha founded on that^ basis, one of âWell this war is gonna go on forever so... maybe... itâs time to end it? I guess?â INSTEAD of the canon âI (Madara) put my all into fighting you (Hashi) and still couldnât triumph, so to avoid more Uchiha death and protect the clan like I promised my dead bro, letâs have a ceasefireâ would = a bit of a strained life for Madara in Konoha, especially with Izuna there, who I can imagine would be as unhappy about the alliance as we see Tobirama is
Ok and I obviously stan Madara hard and I know for a damn fact heâd love his kid but!!!! it wouldnât ultimately make him happy. Madaraâs already worried for his clanâs fate in Konoha because he canât trust the Senju, so his own kid? Heâs gonna hella worry. If anything, it would probably make his paranoia even worse
If Tobirama died? LMAOOOO I'm sure it would help a lot, but I can see Madara still souring a little bit in his Konoha life even without Tobirama there
That being said, maybe in a universe where Madara became Hokage and didnât have Tobirama there to constantly weave suspicion (if Tobiâs dead or just not a dick, either or), even without Izuna being alive, Madara mightâve been happy. But again, that happiness might have turned to lead at some point
As for the Itachi question hmmmm. I really donât see any other way it couldâve ended for Itachi, assuming the Uchiha massacre still happened. Like, once that was sent into motion, I donât think thereâs anything that would change his fate
#just some thots#sorry i was late on this response#did i rant#oops#posting some replies soon ahhh i have so many
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TKO: how did you stop hurting?
Shadowy venomous: *hugs TKO * I didnât.
#ok ko boxman#my ocs#okkoshadowlyvenomous#ok ko professor venomous#ok ko let's be heroes#ok ko carol#ok ko mr gar#ok ko shadowy venomous#ok ko#ok ko dendy#ok ko fink#ok ko enid#ok ko paranoia#ok ko raymond#ok ko rad#raymondtwins#ok ko turbo raymond#ok ko turbo mikey#ok ko tko#ok ko spw#ok ko shadowly venomous#ok ko shannon#ok ko dr midnight#ok ko darrell#au stuff#my au
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Slenderverse D&D AU
im doing this again cause I now know more about d&d now so lets go lads. also thereâs going to be some homebrew stuff cause this is my au and I make the rules here
ok so background time
The Operator is this unknown evil god that spreads a mysterious sickness that causes increased anger, paranoia, losing control to said evil god, etc. It makes the being more powerful the more it spreads the disease. Habit is a god of chaos that can possess pretty much anyone and does bad things. The collective is a group of former humans turned into monstrous gods. Habit, being the chaotic bastard he is, freed Firebrand and Firebrand, now pissed and looking for revenge, starts a full blown war with his former âbossâ and everything with the gods at the moment is chaos.
character time yeehaw
-Jay: A half elf ranger( eventually doubles with warlock due to story related stuff) that came from a noble household, however, upon reaching adulthood basically up and left his old life behind. He made friends with a young aspiring wizard, Alex, until he became infected and well you can guess what happens from there. Heâs more likely to run from a fight or keep his distance and his always writing in his journal.
-Tim: A human lycanthrope (werewolf) fighter that was raised an orphan in âThe Home for Loss Soulsâ. His lycanthropy comes as curse from the Operator and has an extremely hard time controlling it. Heâs pretty protective over Jay but also fears hurting him unintentionally.
-Noah: a high elf Sorcerer with an eldritch bloodline. He grew up along side his cousin Milo. Heâs rather talented with magic, but not exactly good when it comes to hand to hand combat. Heâs got an odd family mark that doesnât make too much sense to him, but itâs probably not important.
-Milo: An elf Oracle (Homebrew class, basically a prophet with cleric/wizard spells). Heâs a quiet prophet with the burden of visions of the future, the past, and the current state of the universe, and it takes a toll on his mental and physical health. Heâs close with Noah and Kevin. He also shares the same mark with noah
-Kevin: a changeling bard and close friend of Milo. Heâs rather joyful, always bringing the spirts up of everyone around him through songs and jokes. Of course, he isnât exactly all smiles and serenades, as heâs been targeted by a certain shadow god as well.
-Vinnie: A yuan-ti wizard. Heâs one of the five children adopted and raised by Dr. Corenthal. He acts as a calm, almost leader like role in most situations. He, along with his siblings, are currently looking for their missing father, while dealing with the mysterious sickness.
-Jeff: A half-elf bard, one of the five Corenthal siblings. Heâs a rather laid back, casual guy. Heâs only related to Alex Ko by blood, but the rest of his siblings are treated as if they were.
-Steph: An Aasimar druid of the circle of the moon. Sheâs a rational, quiet woman with a distrust of strangers, especially those of authority. One of the five Corenthal Siblings.
-Alex Ko: A half-elf bard like his older brother. The youngest of the five corenthal siblings. A kind, albite naive person with an admiration for Jeff and the rest of his siblings. He has a loyal blink dog named Sparky.
-Evan: A Barbarian rabbit Shifter. One of the five corenthal siblings. While heâs rather headstrong and short tempered, heâs very protective to those he trusts and is generally very kind, even with his own problems with a certain god of chaos.
-Michael: A tiefling cleric of the death domain, shaunâs older half brother. He often had visions of the Operator since he was a child, his parents sending his off to the âHome of Lost Soulsâ after a violent episode. He hoped the visions and haunting would disappear in adulthood, but he was....mistaken.
-Stan: A human paladin with a strong resistance to the illness. Heâs on quest to help people with problems with the Operator and similar gods and beings and is looking for a cure. He has strong associations with the Operator from his past that he doesnât like to talk about.
-SHawkins: A human wizard of an unknown origin. They are often wrapped in clothes, hiding their appearance and strongly dislikes skin contact. They are infected with an odd version of the sickness, but keeps it hidden under their many layers of clothing.
#I did a thing#please send me asks about this au#please I love it#slenderverse dnd au#dnd au#dani speaks#Slenderverse#marble hornets#mh#EverymanHYBRID#emh#TribeTwelve#t12#MLAndersen0#mla0#Stan Frederick#the record of stan frederick#ECKVA#eckvanet
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After Hours Medical Advice
As you know, and certain have in mind every day, nursing is a career that carries a huge amount of duty. Be sure to guard your self, especially when asked for advice in an informal setting.
No, Uncle Bob has cornered you within the hallway after Christmas dinner. In trying back, I realize that not as soon as during this experience did anyone INVITE me into a discussion of what could be best for my mother.Â
She spent two nights in the hospital beneath remark, with IV hydration. Now, admittedly, she has varying levels of dementia even on a good day, but she reached the point of getting severe hallucinations and paranoia.
Having a whole remedy group looking out for you and preparing a discharge plan that is going to set you up for achievement. 90 days of therapy allows for the affected person to work via many of the above mentioned considerations and we treat it using an American Society of Addiction Medicine dimensional assessment.Â
The general size of keep in remedy that is really helpful is often ninety days. Health safety and prevention is the key to staying healthy for the long haul. From easy blood checks and vaccines now to mammograms and colonoscopies later, your doctor might help you turn into the healthiest model of you.
Although it might appear to be a problem now, one hour in a physicianâs workplace now can add years of health to your life. When we have well being questions and considerations, itâs easy to show to good olâ WebMD for answers. And even though the Internet can be a great well being useful resource, reading about your health points online can usually lead to pointless fear and fear. Remember, you might be unique and deserve a customized evaluation.Â
So instead of browsing the web for a generic, or even worse, incorrect answer, talk to a doctor in particular person to get the total imageâand to cease dropping sleep over your questions (see reason number 5!). While Iâll be the primary to confess that a trip to the gynecologistâs workplace isnât my favourite way to spend a day, annual pelvic exams are a important a part of any girlâs preventative health care.
Will we have to battle the battle of keyword voids at a grassroots degree, wrangling with the asymmetry of passion by tapping folks to search out these voids and create counter-content material? Do we need to arrange counter-GoFundMe campaigns to pay for ad campaigns that promote real science?
Do not rely on a formâs basic remark that ârisks of leaving were discussed with the patient,â he says. That doesn't negate the value of those documents, however they should not be the sum complete of the hospitalâs evidence displaying efforts to provide care.Â
First, the hospital must reconcile any excellent diagnostics, as a result of if any checks had been ordered, the hospital is still liable for checking the results to make certain nothing critical was identified, he says.
Despite our protests, she saved making an attempt to pull out the IV fluid line from her arm and the gizmo , and tugged at her gown. The paper-thin pores and skin on her arms was black and blue from a number of blood attracts. Successful treatment begins with an correct diagnosis, and our experts take the time to get it right.Â
A team of specialists will listen to your needs and evaluate your condition from each angle to make the very best plan for you. Every year, more than one million individuals come to Mayo Clinic for care.
If witnessed by RN, have them doc the time the patient left in addition to the standing of their IV. If an IV is still in place, first try to contact the affected person after which their emergency contact.
From all the information you've gathered from the Internet and your research, it's time for you to go to your physician with this data and get to know the details. It is important to decide on doctors with whom you're feeling snug.
The level of questioning I got in response to my advice was almost insulting at times. In my head, I advised these callers, âIf you trusted me sufficient to name me together with your ailment, why arenât you trusting my opinion?
Our highly specialized experts are deeply skilled in treating rare and complex circumstances. I actually have been put in this identical position so many times, that I lastly, like you, needed to tell them to contact their supplier or go to the ER/Urgent Care.Â
I owned a small household follow clinic and some would actually present up there quite than going to their PCP or ER. I do perceive how onerous it is to tell them to go to their PCPâs, but I believe that is the proper motion. We love our family and pals and do not need to see them ill or in ache, however we additionally want them to obtain goal care.
 I actually have been practicing as a Nurse and APP for over 15 years now and have found, for me, robust boundaries come with time. You donât have a look at them as patients, but as whomever they are to you.
YOUR ability to want them to be OK and not be as goal as you'd be with a affected person. Another disagreeable facet effect of trying to assist was the pushback I received.
doctor certification, from the Membership of the Royal College of General Practitioners, and checked performance towards historic outcomes from an independent 2015 examine that evaluated several symptom checkers. symptom checker seems as a chatbot that users can work together with by way of an app or web site. When the consumer varieties out their primary symptoms as a quick sentence or phrase, the symptom checker asks questions about possible related signs.
According to the NIH, 30-40% of Americans report having occasional symptoms of insomnia and 10-15% report persistent issue sleepingâwith ladies representing nearly all of those affected.Â
While you could assume that a poor nightâs sleep simply means youâll need an extra cup of espresso in the morning, chronic sleep problems can actually improve the lengthy-time period threat of hypertension, melancholy, and diabetes. treatment medical disclaimer A physicianâs visit can help identify attainable underlying causes for your restless nightsâand get you the help you should truly get some zzzs.
 Does your family have a history of diabetes, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, cancer, or another significant illness? If so, you could be at risk for these conditions, tooâand there are likely issues you can do to decrease that danger. A doctor may help you find out and work with you to determine which screening exams you want.
"Casual" could exit the window, if the individual you advise feels you have triggered them harm; together with your recommendation or deeds. State legal guidelines differ greatly and litigation can truly change the legal guidelines as time passes. So as a nursing skilled, even if your action or advice was justifiable, there isn't a safety from being sued . You might prevail and be discovered "not liable" if sued, but by then you'll have gone by way of plenty of wasted time and pointless stress.
They might help detect vaginal infections, together with sexually transmitted ailments , and should often embody a PAP smear for cervical cancer screening. Although you might have heard about some current adjustments to screening recommendations, the U.S. Preventative Services Task Force nonetheless wants women between the ages of 21 to 65 to get a Papanicolaou test (a.k.a. PAP smear) a minimum of each three years (or more incessantly when youâve ever had abnormal results).
The lawsuit claimed that Dr M had failed to recognize the patientâs skull fracture and improperly released him when he was intoxicated, and that the delay in treating the fracture was attributable for approximately half of the affected personâs neurological deficits. Later that day, a hospital radiologist learn the affected personâs x-ray and famous a markedly depressed left parietal cranium fracture.
Or will the tech platforms where that is occuring start to grasp that giving legitimacy to health misinformation by way of high search and social rankings is profoundly dangerous? Getting excessive-quality, fact-based well being information shouldnât be dependent on the result of SEO video games, or on who has extra assets for pay-to-play content promotion. few hours of a newbornâs life, medical doctors administer a vitamin K shot.Â
This is as a result of infants are born with out sufficient of the vitamin, and the child wants a boost to prevent any potential bleeding. The documentation also should detail the discussion with the affected person regarding potential risks from leaving AMA, Merkrebs says.
The reasons for refusing additionally may be wide-ranging, every little thing from worries about the price to concern about ache or dying, or dislike of being touched, photographs, surgical procedure, or drugs. Once a affected person is examined beyond triage and exams are ordered, a departure at that time could be classified as left without completing remedy , Klauer notes.
Patients leaving the emergency room too soon âare intentionally putting themselves at extra danger for morbidity and even mortality,â Polevoi stated â a degree echoed by other physicians. Ko stated the column will proceed as long as individuals want to study totally different health subjects. Connect with a medical skilled everytime you need one, 24/7, for customized recommendation and prescription, if deemed necessary.
At the end, the symptom checker identifies possible causes and recommends a course of action, similar to reserving a video consultation with a human physician or going to a hospital. The patient and his family consulted with a plaintiffâs attorney who agreed to take the case. Dr M was shocked to find out that he was being sued for medical malpractice.
Within each of these kinds of AMA, there may be further breakdowns when it comes to why the person is leaving, he notes. The affected person might not want any care of any type, or the refusal could also be extra limited â refusing the particular kind of care being provided, as an example, but still willing to be handled.
That's to not say all of the internet is unhealthy, it is okay to make use of Google for health questions when you use a credible supply and if it prompts you to go to your doctor should you could have considerations. Without limiting the generality of the foregoing, the Author makes no representations or warranties with respect to any Information offered or offered within or via the Site relating to treatment of medical circumstances, motion, or software of treatment.Â
âWhen sufferers convey themselves into the ED, they are seen in about 5 minutes by a qualified registered nurse and, on common, are seen by a supplier within 30 minutes of arrival,â Thomas mentioned in a press release.
From 2012 to 2017, the variety of emergency room encounters in Fresno County elevated by nearly ninety five,000, or 37%. At Fresnoâs Community Regional Medical Center, about 9% of ER encounters ended with a patient leaving too quickly, greater than 3 times the statewide fee.
If no success, contact the police non-emergently to aid in finding the affected person. In this situation, the patient has not but interacted with a doctor. There isn't much to do here as long as the provider by no means met the patient, if so, they might be in a different category.Â
There are no known instances the place the ED, or ED Providers, have been sued and located to be at fault or responsible for an end result. We recognized people ages with International Classification of Diseases, 9thRevision prognosis codes for infective endocarditis within the National Inpatient Sample, a representative pattern of United States hospitalizations from January 2010 to September 2015.Â
We plotted unadjusted quarter-year developments for AMA discharges and used multivariable logistic regression to establish elements associated with AMA discharge among IE hospitalizations, evaluating IDU-IE to non-IDU-IE.
The police were notified, and the patient was taken from jail back to the hospital. At the hospital, he was monitored for a number of hours and then taken to surgical procedure where the depressed fracture fragments have been elevated. However, Mr G ended up suffering a brain injury from the fracture which affected his cognitive talents, and which prevented him from with the ability to hold down a job. The police knowledgeable Dr M that the patient, a 24-yr old named Mr G, had been the perpetrator of an assault and in the process was hit within the head with a blunt object by a bystander.Â
The police had been called, and found him mendacity on the street, clearly intoxicated and with a bloodied head. They took him to the ED, however Mr G was uncooperative and initially refused any treatment. When most individuals hear these words, they're whispered by an overcoated stranger on the bus or a counterfeit Prada peddler gesturing towards the trunk of a car.
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Toon June Day 13: Bad Luck
Sorry I posted kind of late on this. I had a head full of D Gray Man things and a little paranoia. Eh, Toon June is kind of a personal art challenge. No prize, just something to look forward to. Shadowy Figure from OK KO seemed to fit perfectly for this theme in my head. I donât know why. I have so much fan art for this guy. Maybe Iâll post some some day. I have too many posts...
#toon june#ok ko#shadowy figure#ok ko lets fight to the end#ok ko venomous#ok ko let's be heroes#glorb#ok ko shadowy figure
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NaNoWriMo #8: Radical Honesty
Honesty. Itâs for schmucks, am I right?
HONESTLY, I was going to write something completely different today, and then I got a phone call which completely sidetracked those plans and now Iâm going to use that call as a basis for todayâs post.
I have friends that put a tremendous amount of importance on honesty. One says they do not lie, ever, and for the most part I believe them. Itâs been helpful in certain instances when my anxiety would usually flare up to reassure myself âthey wouldnât lie about thatâ. It doesnât stop all my anxieties about that particular person, but the brief relief I get is not so much about the fact they always tell the factual truth so much as an honesty in communication.
The concept of radical honesty is frankly, terrifying. Everything about me, from my temperament to my culture to how I was raised as a girl, to my emotionally abusive household, is about deception. Concealing, putting on a face, empty words, you name it. I became adept at lying, sussing out what things I said that would equal less hurt for me, and lying even more. Sometimes, Iâll lie even when I donât need to. I know this is a coping mechanism that a lot of abuse survivors have, but it doesnât mean I donât feel bad about it a lot. I had a specific paranoia for a number of years, that has faded a bit by now, that I just manipulate the people around me based on the information I share or withhold and was a terrible person who didnât know or learn how to interface with others normally and would never be able to.
I have trouble realizing how I feel bad sometimes because Iâve got a weak internal voice. I do a nightly diary recording, and I go by candid honesty in those recordings. Iâll say every little thing. Itâs not very flattering. But sometimes it takes admitting petty things to come to terms with the feeling and understand yourself a little better. I think we deceive ourselves more than anything else sometimes. We think a thought - maybe itâs petty jealousy, or selfishness, and because we (theoretically) have our own sense of morals/ethics/what have you, we immediately discard the thought and say that we shouldnât be having that thought, or donât deserve to have that thought. And then you end up with feeling crummy, but refusing to admit why or that you know why, or maybe even subconsciously burying it so deep you donât consciously realize why. But thatâs the thing. Feelings are feelings. We canât help our feelings. Thereâs no such thing as an unfair feeling. We canât help the way that we feel and I think we too readily push down thoughts that feel petty or negative and then grudges fester, and communication dies. But in order to communicate with others, and ourselves, we owe it to hear those feelings out, confront them, and then take action. We are not judged on our feelings, but how we act on them.
So yeah. Despite it all, I feel like Iâm very honest and truthful with myself. Which doesnât sound super novel or amazing, Iâm sure, but given my history, Iâm amazed, and proud that Iâve gotten this far. And in a related vein, itâs possible to be telling the truth as far as you understand it to be - but to be deceiving yourself, a lot. (Take the time to try and understand yourself and why you feel the way you do. Dissect it down to the simplest emotions and events. Itâs good for you.)
Now, to get to my point FIVE PARAGRAPHS in, when somebody tells you that youâve hurt their feelings - it is incredibly difficult. At least it is for me. Itâs a vulnerability that comes with sharing that youâre hurt, the fears of confrontation that I know at least I have in droves, and the softest, rawest part of that is youâre also putting forth the hope that the other person understands, and might want to change, or acknowledge it, because they care. Whoof, thatâs scary. It takes less effort to just swallow the feeling or dismiss it than it does to confront both the other person, and your own feelings. I think to a lot of people, when theyâre told they hurt somebody, the initial gut reaction is denial or defensiveness, because they want to think that they wouldnât have done that because they didnât want to, or because they donât want to feel responsible for that vulnerability.
My mother called just earlier - I need to figure out the entire damn mess that is re-registering my car in this state, and theyâve lost the title and canât find it, and the carâs still not even in my name, and itâs just a whole fucking mess. I told her what information I had gotten from the DMV. She expressed skepticism three times before she said âIâll just ask your brotherâ. MY GOD! Why do I say anything? The answer is I donât fucking know, because this has happened literally every single time I try to tell her something she needs to know, my entire life. And I got frustrated, and I told her I didnât know why she wanted me to figure out specifics, if she wasnât going to listen to my answer because she didnât like it. And I spelled out, calmly, as clearly as I could, that her words and actions hurt me because I constantly feel trivialized. That my words are never taken seriously, that I know weâre a team in this and ON the same side as family, but that she hurts me so often when she calls my efforts useless (only to often come to the same conclusion, from my brother weeks later). And I likened it to what my father does, because he does the same thing to her all the time, and I told her she was doing the same thing to me. A hurtful legacy. I even told her that I didnât hold it against her, but just wanted to express I was feeling hurt.
But hey, I was open and honest in communicating with her! Honestly, I think she actually understood. I could hear her voice waver a little. She backtracked a bit and said that she didnât mean it âlike thatâ (she did). But she was incredibly defensive, because she didnât like feeling like she was responsible for making me feel bad, and we ended the call shortly after, terse, on shaky terms. I cry a lot when I think about my mother. Sheâs an incredibly sharp, capable, amazing woman, who I conflict with a lot and whoâs actively contributed to a lot of my trauma, because the cycle of abuse is hard to break. I think, if she had the resources and support I had - she would have had a better life. She would have been a legend. She often talks about how despite it all, I grew up in a much better household than she did. I donât disagree. It doesnât justify how sheâs treated me, but I know that she went through a lot, enough to break people, and I know that she loves me. But feelings are just that, and the actions that she took pushed me away. But I want to keep this relationship, and I want to facilitate open communication with her, so that maybe sheâll do the same one day.
I want to practice more honest communication not just with my family, but with friends and partners and everyone around me. I want to be upfront when my feelings are hurt, and I want to tell people when they matter to me, because people deserve to know that they matter to others. Itâs something I want to actively work on. Nowadays when Spider asks me how Iâm doing, Iâll spit out âIâm okâ instantly, ruminate on it for a few seconds, and then nod or say that actually Iâm not doing so great. I default to âIâm fineâ as Iâm sure we all do. But I want to work on having better relationships with others, and also with myself, so that I can be a better communicator, and touch upon that idea of compassionate honesty.
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#AriNo#writing#OC#honesty#it's scary!#I think a lot about this stuff and I hope the two people reading this are enjoying my life philosophy ramblings#I like to think I'm a very mindful person#my mom is great#I legitimately actively have terrible traumas BECAUSE of her#but she deserved more than her lot in life.#I think a problem I have is that I feel too empathetic towards the people who've hurt me#'well they must've had a reason right?'#and in doing so am being unfair to myself#I deserve to want better for myself!#it took me so long to move out because I would think about it from their perspective#and while it's good that I try to be empathetic and think about the other side#I owe it to myself to have a better life#for myself and not for others#it's hard work.#even now every time I think about the fact that they will never have grandchildren - their one wish in the world#and how I play a part in it and how I'm not the daughter they deserved#I cry alll the time#but you gotta love yourself before you love others sometimes
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